19 Aug 2006 Beijing

Man, what a ride. I'm now working on the propaganda wing of China's information mission - on the so-called 'News and Reports' program of China Radio International. I've been here three and a half months. Sounds glamorous - it's not. It's claustrophobic, that's what it is. I don't even understand how I ended up here - surely, it's some kind of fate. But shit, what an education! It's been tough - for people so damn sensitive about every word, and then my job particularly to give them the credibility they worship by way of my native tongue, it's an ironic bridge to standing on. I dreamed I could even meet them halfway, but recent weeks have clearly demonstrated that is not the case. I know I got the power to make subtle downgradings of their pride and subjectivity without notice, and to shock if push comes to shove, but this job is truly amazing...

I'm seeing the censorship right before my eyes on a daily basis. I can see the chain of command from here to the Information Ministry. I am learning how Chinese deal with one another. And fuck, it is different! It's a different world. They talk behind your back, make their own judgments based on what are their own judgments of the situation, which are wrong because they still don't understand us. I guess you're gonna say but I also don't understand them - well, sure, that's a given - didn't you already know it? I've got into 'trouble' for objectivity and truth already on a few occasions. I got into 'trouble' for mentioning Raul Castro was Fidel's brother - when he is! - because they're concerned mentioning the word brother implies a fellow Communist country was engaged in an illegitimate transfer of power. All the Chinese staff had the message delivered to them at a prior meeting, but not us laowai of course. But I got my arse chopped up for that one too, when it is a basic problem of cross-cultural communication. It was a four-way line of communication before it even came to my attention. But the hypocricy is mind-boggling when they're using the western-biased Associated Press as their only source of international news, though they often check facts off the CNN running show on big screens in the news room. This country is crazy. (BBC's website, by the way, is blocked here - though you can see the home page and receive audio.)

Then there is the army barracks of the PLA (People's Liberation Army) right in our compound, next to our food hall in fact. The often haunting quietude of our news room (what a - Western - paradox! and with more than 30 staff in the room) is frequently disturbed by the left-right, left-right of regular army drills down below as they circle the building. I thought it was bad being locked in a Jakarta building during student demonstrations for democracy in 1999 with the TNI camped outside. I just realised the comparison, and this is on a daily basis too - haha!

I'm under pressure to get the English in a high order before time to record - of course it's not live, no possible fucking way - this is Communist China! (note the caps) So now I have no choice but to lower my standards to keep in good stead with the people in control here [though I am currently not]: producer to news director to station manager to director of CRI. From then up, the next stage seems to be the ministry, based on the current Deputy Minister for Information's career path. No, I haven't met the director Yang Lei, and he hasn't met me. I guess that's not what goes on here - communication between staff and management - who fucking knows? But it doesn't seem to be the case.

Certainly things are now quiet for me since I shut up. My colleague Jenny says I should be submissive, my other colleague Lee says the only way to deal with it is just shut up because there’s no way you’re ever gonna change their mind no matter what they think. So they are going to misjudge, miscommunicate, misinterpret and there's nothing I can do, except decide not to care. I know they think I got something they need even in this present role where I’m not particularly trained or experienced, and they’re using me to officially represent their proud China to the world. But for them it's that, against the risk of a foreigner who will speak his mind - in a country where laowai are naturally cynical. Their mission is credibility, so surely they know I'm a risk. I do.